Today’s Life Short Take is on Enabling.
When we enable someone, we basically stunt their emotional, mental, spiritual, personal, and professional growth. Enabling could broadly be defined as a person’s behavior that is performed under the guise of being helpful, protecting, or teaching that in reality only removes the other person’s natural consequences, therefore; removing the other person’s opportunity to learn and grow.
It takes two to play. The enabler and the enablee are both caught in a destructive dance. Often times, they are unaware of the pattern that keeps them both repeating the same destructive dance. Their patterns are reinforced by the payoffs they receive.
The enabler’s payoff comes in payment of feeling like a savior to the masses. They come to define their self-worth by being “helpful” all while ensuring an endless supply of the enablee needing “help” because the other person becomes dependent on the “help.” Over time the enabler will begin to resent the enablee for putting the whole burden of everything upon them. Ironically, feeling needed is how they feel good about their self so it quickly escalates into a catch-22 nightmare.
The enablee is not a victim of an enabler. The enablee gains a payoff in the form of irresponsibility. They are able to avoid their own personal responsibility in life and situations by allowing end the enabler to take over. The enablee develops a poor self-concept resulting from not taking responsibility for their self which typically results in even more self-sabotaging behavior. Ironically, the shirking of their responsibility keeps them needing the enabler rescue and “fix” everything, therefore; they end up feeling useless and resentful because they need the enabler.
In the end, you have two very miserable people. Both people’s lives will fall apart and each will blame the other. The enabler usually comes out looking like “the good guy” because all they are doing is “helping.” The enablee usually comes out looking a disaster because they always need help. The reality is that neither person is taking responsibility for their own life. The enabler avoids feeling the pain of their own life by “fixing” another’s but it doesn’t fix anything.
We can never be responsible for anything but our own life and how we choose to respond to our life.
How do we begin to break the cycle? You must first see it. Ask the Lord to begin showing you areas of your life in which you are the enabler and which areas you are the enablee. There is nothing to be done until you can see it.
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